Twistity Sports Exclusive: FINE ACADEMIC INSTITUTIONS INDEED

 
When the University of Maryland bailed on the Atlantic Coast Conference, of which it was a founding member, it claimed its alliance with the Big Ten put it in the company of better research universities.

Sure. The money didn’t enter into that decision after years of fiscal futzing that was going to cost the school seven of its nonrevenue sports. But that’s what the honchos said, so let’s take them at their word and tour the bizarre world of college math. Note: When universities count dollars, everything adds up. The rest of the time? Numbers are only suggestions (though that $31 million fee Maryland will pay to leave the ACC seems fairly exact).

College math works in strange ways, so be prepared for our quiz. All of the questions are trick questions! OK, sharp pencils at the ready? Fill in the bubble fully. Don’t peek at your neighbor’s paper. Begin!

Question: How many teams are there in the Big Ten?

A. 10 (duh)
B. 11
C. 14
D. 623

Answer: C. OK, in what universe is 10 and 14 the same thing? Perhaps in the universe with the best research schools.
 
Question: How many schools are there in the Big 12?

A. Um, 12?
B. 623
C. You sure it isn’t 12?
D. 10

Answer: D. Why? Because if I offer you $12 and give you $10, you’ll think it is the same thing and Maryland calls you a great research university. If you finish last in the Big 12, did you finish 10^th? Or 12^th?
 
Question: How many schools are there in the Pac-12?

A. Maryland
B. 623
C. 3.14159
D. Please, God, let it be 12

Answer: D. Your prayers were heard.

Sure, we make fun of student-athletes because many (mostly in football and basketball programs) only have a passing affiliation with the classroom. They’re permitted to take soporific nonsense classes to stay eligible and fulfill their prime function – producing revenue for the school.

That’s why, when they misbehave, their schools tell them they will count to three before disciplining them. And then they count: 1, 2, 623, Big 12, Pac-12, Big Ten, 31.4 million. They never get to three, do they?

Today’s question: Is college athletics now a complete fraud, at least at the highest levels? Are college football and basketball nothing but lower-level professional sport? Answers in the comment box, please.
 
 
Post By: Larry Weisman, a longtime sportswriter for USA TODAY, blogs for Twistity.com. Follow him on Twitter @MrLarryWeisman .